all the right things
by fiesa
Summary: Why is doing them always so hard? OneShot- Joel, Alex, Charlie. Post 2x11.


**all the right things**

_Summary: Why is doing them always so hard? OneShot- Joel, Alex, Charlie. Post 2x11._

_Warning: Umm. Yeah. Drabble-esque, fractured, plotless._

_Set: Post-ep to s02ep11, during and after s02ep12. _

_Disclaimer: Standards apply. _

* * *

[Triangle]

He spots her from across the room, in a crowd of dozens.

Alex Reid always caught his attention. She did so the first time they met, years before, she does so now and she probably will do so in five years. He isn't completely sure if that's a good thing and what it will mean for him but after all this time he finds that he doesn't have the willpower to continue thinking about it. It is the way it is.

He loves her.

She isn't the only one in the room. Gavin and Maggie are sitting on the couch, cups of coffee (or tea, in Maggie's case) in front of them. They are engrossed in a silent conversation. On the other side of the room Alex is standing, her hands wrapped around another coffee cup, her gaze far away. She does not look as devastated as most of her fellow colleagues expected her to look and he feels his heart swell, both with compassion and with love. She lost her brother. It is impossible for him to imagine her pain, even though he knows her so well. She always was the elder sister, the surrogate mum. Luke was her brother, her responsibility and her burden, but her happiness, too. It is not so much the way he died or what he was trying to do but the fact that he is gone now, completely erased from the world, that hurts most. He grits his teeth. Luke was a good kid, despite all his faults, and he has no idea what to say to Alex to make it better. He didn't know when it happened and he doesn't know now. But he knows why she looks so calm right now.

Alex is strong.

She can walk through fire and emerge burnt but standing tall. Her strength was enough to make a coma patient hold on to life for three months, her strength was enough to keep almost the entire hospital staff running and believing. Her strength still shines from her eyes. She is pale and exhausted but her eyes aren't red and her hands are steady. And god, he wants to wrap his arms around her and-

His pager stays silent.

Still, he passes by the break room without entering. Alex doesn't see him.

* * *

[Charlie]

Sorry really didn't cut it.

Charlie was dimly aware he was doing the most stupid thing on earth. He had actually done it – gone along, told her he could see and hear ghosts – and had grit his teeth while she shot him worried looks whenever she thought he wasn't looking. And then he had told her that he needed to sort out his own head – his own life – and she couldn't help him. Who was he kidding? It had been a break-up speech. And in retrospect it had been the most idiotic thing he had ever done and anyone would ever do because _who let go of the woman that had spent three months waiting for you while you were in a coma and who hadn't given up on you. _It was stupid because he didn't want to lose her. It was stupid because he wanted her to stay with him. It was stupid because he did not want to wake up without her and he did not want to imagine his life without her. He did not want a future without her and, quite frankly, didn't want to even _live_ without her. It was stupid, it was desperate and it was the only thing he could do.

Alex is beautiful.

Charlie could look at her for days without end. He loved the way her hair fell over her shoulders when she released it from its pony tail. He loved the way she walked down the stairs, sometimes so fast she was almost skipping, sometimes slowly while reading a paper or something, and always used the right foot first. He loved the way she liked to get up early even on weekends because _otherwise the day is lost_ and how she hid behind a pillow at especially gruesome movie scenes. He loved the way she said his name – except when she said it with the odd strain it had rung with when he told her about his ability – and the way her body folded into his at night. He couldn't imagine what he would do if something had happened to her that day. He loved her more than sunlight.

He loves her so much he can't bear to think he might be the reason she would fall apart for the second and last time.

Leaving someone because it was necessary. Deciding against a surgery because it was too risky. Risking losing one's job because the result was worth it. At this point of his life Charlie understood that there were decisions nobody could make for you, and also that they often came with a price. What made human beings decide one way or another, despite the losses? He thinks it might be the brain. _Knowing_ was a good start for making decisions. Surgeons, especially, had to take everything into account before deciding. Ethics were a part, too, and conscience. _Right or wrong._ Human nature was based on low-level instincts of what to do and what not to do and he could only hope his conscience hadn't suffered under his head trauma and subsequent coma. But Charlie was quite sure about what had to be done. He loved Alex too much to drag her down, no matter the reason.

_I have to sort this out by myself. _

So why was it that doing the right thing always was so incredibly, incredibly hard?

(He thinks that might be because the heart might be involved, too.)

* * *

[Joel]

Ironic, he thinks, that his inability to form a relationship has given him the most important relationship in his current life, and also that it has permanently blocked him from having any other. Equally ironic: wondering why he should want to keep his position as chief of surgery when he didn't especially like it, and then being handed a case that screamed _get off your ass_ and required him to step down from his post.

_Effective immediately. _

He really, _really_ had thought the new artificial hips would be the solution to all their problems. A new, non-corrosive material with minimal attrition- in one piece, no less. The surface was even bio-active, allowing a better growth of bone cells on the inorganic surface, something titanium dioxide didn't do so well. What else could he wish for?

(_Realistic things, Joel. Focus._)

There were two kinds of physicians. Maybe even only two kind of human beings, who knew. First were the ones who did something because they didn't know, think or care otherwise or gained something from it. The second were the people who did something because they believed in someone, something or whatever, those who helped because they wanted to help and those who served because they wanted to serve. He had often laughed about it. When people asked why he had become a doctor he told them it was because they pay was good – once you'd gotten over your residency – and, most likely, your position would be secure. It was the intelligent answer and the one everyone expected from him.

In his heart – when he admitted it to himself – Joel knew he was an idealist. It was as easy as that, and equally stupid. He hadn't been one before meeting Alex again, he was pretty sure of that.

There were many things he regretted in his life. Letting Alex walk out on him was one of them, and making a move on her while Charlie had still been in coma. Coming to Hope Zion wasn't. Working in this hospital, getting to know the people, hadn't been a mistake either: Shahir, who seemed lost as soon as he stepped out of his office or had to interact with other people. Victor, who never lost his good mood, Dana and her incredibly sharp tongue, Raycraft and his burning ambition. Melanda and Zack, the strangest couple he'd ever seen, Dawn and her piercing intellect and Gavin and Maggie who were – well, probably the most _stupid_ couple he'd ever seen. And, of course, Alex and Charlie. In his own way, Joel had taken to each one of them. He'd made them part of his staff, a part of Hope Zion and a part of himself, too. He'd liked working with them, coordinating them as their superior. It had been hard on times but always worth it. They were the reason why he hesitated to step down.

_You're doing well, Joel._

And although Alex' smile hadn't been the radiant one she reserved for Charlie only, he had felt better. And then worse, because it only took one of her smiles to cheer him up and he was pretty sure that particular happiness shouldn't belong to him.

But he was going to war. There had been a deliberate attempt to harm his patients by a company that cared more for its own profits than for the health and happiness of its clients. There had been one casualty already and he had only now diverted a second one. It went against everything he believed: hurting human beings intentionally was a crime. _Oh, come on: Idealism much? _But Joel was sure of it. Paulina had died. He owed it to her – he owed it to the people he had promised to heal and – albeit unknowingly – had almost hurt even worse. He owed it to the Hope Zion staff that worked with him every day, trusting in his decisions and his actions. He owed it to the people who believed in him.

_You're doing well. _

It was so easy. The easiest decision he could remember ever having to make.

(He thinks that might be because she has changed him.)

* * *

[Alex]

She loves him enough to let him go when he asks for it.

It didn't make it better. Maybe she should have pressured him, cried and begged for him not to do this. Maybe she should have cried in public at his sight, showing her misery to everyone and thus blaming him openly. Alex did neither. She just watched Charlie walk away.

Joel had let her walk away like this. For the first time for a long, long time she asks herself whether he watched her leave like that, and what he felt when he watched her go. It never occurred to her – but his advances during Charlie's coma had been indication enough. He still had feelings for her.

And Alex still had feelings for Charlie.

And damn her, this was worse than anything before. This time Charlie was awake and still so far away. She felt like there was an essential part of her missing, a part she gave away but kept so close she hadn't noticed how much its absence could hurt before. At least when Charlie was in a coma – and she catches herself at the _at least_ and hateshates_hates_ herself for it – he was _there_ but _not there._ Now he was _there_ and _looked_ at her, _talked_ to her and talked to others and she couldn't help but listen, even when his voice was only a whisper from the other side of the break room. Some part of her desperately wanted to reach out and hold on to him.

She stopped herself time and again.

"You can't just call me, Charlie." –"I know."

This is not how it works.

Charlie was talking to Dawn on the other side of the room. Dawn was smirking but the smirk didn't reach her eyes. The topic was serious, then, maybe they were discussing Dawn's nomination as interim chief of surgery. Charlie lifted his hand to make a point and Alex' heart took a step over the edge and went into free fall. The gesture was so much like him. So close and yet so far away.

She was so cold. How could she be mulling over Charlie when her baby brother had just died? The pain hit her again, sharp and ragged. She tried to take a deep breath but there was an invisible weight pressing down on her-

"Here." Joel handed her a cup. "Three sugars, as much milk as possible."

Alex took a sip and felt the warmth spreading. It didn't take away the pain but at least it managed to soothe it temporarily. She didn't even question how Joel still knew how she liked her coffee.

"So what now?" She asked instead and tried to smile, concentrating on something else than her pain.

He sighed and brushed his hand through his hair – a familiar gesture, too. "I don't know what you'll do but I'm waiting for the proverbial shit to hit the fan."

Alex couldn't help but chuckle. "You'll make it through."

On the other side of the room Charlie sighed. Dawn and he sat for a while until she got up and touched his shoulder quickly before leaving the room. Another stab of pain. Alex tore her gaze away and looked at Joel again. He hadn't been following her gaze but was staring right in front of him, his forehead creased in a frown. He looked… somehow, he looked alien.

"Hey, Joel." Alex nudged him with her knee. "What's the matter? Chickening out already? The law suit hasn't even started."

He looked up at her abruptly. "You always think the best of me, don't you?"

"What?"

"You're so sure I'll go through the law suit unharmed. Why?"

Confused, Alex stared back at him. "Because? I don't know why. I just know you're a brilliant surgeon. A good chief, a good man. Granted, not the best boyfriend material, but overall…"

He chuckled. He actually chuckled and Alex felt… _very _nervous. "Are you okay?"

"Me? Yeah." Joel got up. "Thanks, Alex. I gotta go. See you."

When he left the break room, Charlie wandered over like he had been waiting for his opportunity from the very beginning. "What was that about?"

"I don't know?" Alex offered and tried to do three things at the same time. She failed: obviously, a look of mystery and innocence did not go with trying to hide her suddenly wildly beating heart. She blushed. Charlie just looked at her.

Her pager sounded.

_Thank God._

"Melanda's calling. I have to go."

Charlie nods. "See you."

Alex dashed from the room. In the corridor, directly behind the break room door, she almost ran into Joel.

"You're still here."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

She picked up her step even more and did not stop until she had reached the otherwise empty elevator. Alex slumped against the wall and closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried not to break down.

She has no idea what is the right thing to do now.

(She thinks she'd like to rip out her heart to stop feeling this.)


End file.
